A Letter to Campbell's Soup

Dear person who does the advertising for Campbell's soup company,

If you wouldn't mind answering this (not that you get so much mail you won't have time for this-- you're not a celebrity, hate to break it to ya), I'd love to know what possessed you to put out not one, not two, but THREE full-page advertisements in the February 7, 2011 issue of People magazine. Yes, I know, one was for "Healthy Request" soup (which is a lame name, by the way, but I suppose you aren't in charge of that), the other was for "Select Harvest Light," and the last for "Spaghetti-O's." Obviously you are trying to reach the broke-couple, fat-single-lady, and mom-with-no-time-to-feed-her-children-uncanned-food demographics all in one magazine. Kudos for the ambition. But to me, a college student who falls under non of those categories, it just seems like you're trying to hard. It's pathetic. Get your act together.
By tripling the ad space, you do not triple my desire to buy your soup (or Spaghetti-O's, which would be canned pasta I suppose? How the heck do you categorize Spaghetti-O's (other than under "nostalgic" and "yummy"?) And if you were to be required to use three ad pages, maybe make the first two remotely different. What the heck is the difference between "Healthy Request" and "Select Harvest Light"? Apparently, Healthy Request is low cholesterol, has 0 grams of fat, a healthy level of sodium, and 25 varieties, while Select Harvest Light has 80 calories or less, is 100% natural and deliciously satisfying. And it looks disgusting. In an ADVERTISEMENT. Which is not a good sign that it'll look appetizing in real life.
Why do you have two different health-conscious brands? It's confusing. It's bad advertising.
In conclusion, Campell's Soup Co., you may want to go a different direction with your advertising techniques (I'm available for consultation. But no, I will not be paid in soup). But, most of all, thank you for allowing me the chance to rant on the internet instead of starting my paper. Thank you.
Your critic,
A Random Nobody

Dear self,

Oh, sweetie. When will you ever learn? We've been through this already. Twice.

You're a smart girl, but you have to stop deluding yourself into thinking you can wear three-inch heels outside, having only worn them around the store and your room before.

I know, the boots are gorgeous and you want to show them off. But when you waddle around like a constipated penguin because you're so wobbly than you have to take super tiny steps, people will be looking at you, not the shoes. And you will not look good.

I know you need to wear them out to wear them in-- I get it. But take it slow, hun. Don't prance out in public with your three-inch heels just yet. You look like a drunk Bambi on stilts. It's not a pretty sight.

But you will get there, I promise. One day, you will strut around NYC in your 4-inch stilettos-- I promise.

But right now? Stick to flats.

Love,

Yourself