A Letter to Campbell's Soup

Dear person who does the advertising for Campbell's soup company,

If you wouldn't mind answering this (not that you get so much mail you won't have time for this-- you're not a celebrity, hate to break it to ya), I'd love to know what possessed you to put out not one, not two, but THREE full-page advertisements in the February 7, 2011 issue of People magazine. Yes, I know, one was for "Healthy Request" soup (which is a lame name, by the way, but I suppose you aren't in charge of that), the other was for "Select Harvest Light," and the last for "Spaghetti-O's." Obviously you are trying to reach the broke-couple, fat-single-lady, and mom-with-no-time-to-feed-her-children-uncanned-food demographics all in one magazine. Kudos for the ambition. But to me, a college student who falls under non of those categories, it just seems like you're trying to hard. It's pathetic. Get your act together.
By tripling the ad space, you do not triple my desire to buy your soup (or Spaghetti-O's, which would be canned pasta I suppose? How the heck do you categorize Spaghetti-O's (other than under "nostalgic" and "yummy"?) And if you were to be required to use three ad pages, maybe make the first two remotely different. What the heck is the difference between "Healthy Request" and "Select Harvest Light"? Apparently, Healthy Request is low cholesterol, has 0 grams of fat, a healthy level of sodium, and 25 varieties, while Select Harvest Light has 80 calories or less, is 100% natural and deliciously satisfying. And it looks disgusting. In an ADVERTISEMENT. Which is not a good sign that it'll look appetizing in real life.
Why do you have two different health-conscious brands? It's confusing. It's bad advertising.
In conclusion, Campell's Soup Co., you may want to go a different direction with your advertising techniques (I'm available for consultation. But no, I will not be paid in soup). But, most of all, thank you for allowing me the chance to rant on the internet instead of starting my paper. Thank you.
Your critic,
A Random Nobody

"It looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy."

Question: Your afternoon class in canceled. What do you do?

Answer: Do five minutes of homework so you feel accomplished, then watch Parks and Recreations season 2 on Netflix and play Text Twist.


Thank you, Professor-whose-name-I-don't-know-because-we've-only-had-one-class.

Soulmates

After watching The Royal Tenenbaums for the first time, I noticed something...



Chas Tenenbaum and Sue Sylvester are soulmates... well, at least their tracksuits are. And do formal occasions get in the way of their tracksuit wearing? OF COURSE NOT.

Here's Chas, modeling the funereal black tracksuit:

And Sue, donning the tracksuit wedding dress-- perfect for marrying yourself!

To sum up...
Awesome people wear tracksuits. All. the. time.

(pictures here, here, here, and here)

Dear self,

Oh, sweetie. When will you ever learn? We've been through this already. Twice.

You're a smart girl, but you have to stop deluding yourself into thinking you can wear three-inch heels outside, having only worn them around the store and your room before.

I know, the boots are gorgeous and you want to show them off. But when you waddle around like a constipated penguin because you're so wobbly than you have to take super tiny steps, people will be looking at you, not the shoes. And you will not look good.

I know you need to wear them out to wear them in-- I get it. But take it slow, hun. Don't prance out in public with your three-inch heels just yet. You look like a drunk Bambi on stilts. It's not a pretty sight.

But you will get there, I promise. One day, you will strut around NYC in your 4-inch stilettos-- I promise.

But right now? Stick to flats.

Love,

Yourself

Another background tidbit

So I'm watching the west coast version of the 30 Rock live episode... they are nailing it! But I noticed this background tidbit I had to share with you guys, mostly because I don't know why it's there...

In this scene, when Jack is sniffing paint:

See something on a paint can near the center of the screen? Let's zoom in...

Why is "Glee" written on a paint can? Any theories? It's not like its Glee's paint, because they're on different networks. At first I thought it was a jab at Glee because the label underneath said "Gross paints," but it definitely says "Gloss."

Any theories?

Just FYI

Ah, the powers of hulu. While I was watching this week's Community for the second time (yes, it was that good), I decided to freeze frame on Alan's email:

A little closer, shall we?

Jeff's middle name is Tobias. So there's a random little tidbit of knowledge for you. You learn something new (and useless) every day!

(I apologize for the crappy pictures. They're screencaps from hulu, and I couldn't get that stupid play button to go away)

Love Letter

Dear Victorian Lace Dress,

How are you? You look stunning today. Look, I know we only met a few minutes ago, but I just have to tell you something important. I know this might be hard for you to hear, but...

I love you.

There! It's out! I love you, I love you, I love you! I'm sorry, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Ever since I first laid eyes on your scalloped lace form, I've known I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Besides, I feel like I've been waiting for you for forever.

I can't offer you much. I have a modest-sized closet that I would love for you to call "home." I even have a wooden hanger reserved just for you! But what I lack in grandeur I will make up in love. I will wear you weekly, and always pair you with my most refined heels-- no polyester will touch your supple, intricate lace! I will dress you down for school with tights, a belt, and a blazer, and up for night with some dazzling earrings. I will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.

What I'm trying to say is... move in with me. I know this relationship is moving so fast-- I mean, I haven't even tried you on yet!-- but I just know that this is true love.

Just think about it, ok? I'll be waiting.

Love,

RN

(image from shopbop)

Surprise!

So I'm watching the 30 Rock season 3 episode "Cutbacks," and what little background gag do I see?

Let's zoom in a little, shall we?

It's the Dwight bobble-head in Kenneth's apartment! How funny is that? Makes sense too, because Kenneth is a TV nut!

Found any fun background gags in your favorite show recently?

Am I Paranoid?

Well, yes, but I guess that's not the right question.

I've had a feeling recently that two of my beloved comics are stepping down from their reporting positions. Who, you ask?

Seth Meyers and Joel McHale.

Why, you ask?

I'm afraid that Meyers will soon be usurped by SNL writer/Girl Scout cookie commentator in last night's episode, John Mulaney. As soon as he came on screen, for some reason, I immediately thought, "Oh no, they're testing him out so he can replace Seth!"

Yes, I told you I'm paranoid.

And with McHale's recent Community fame and the addition of Web Soup-- perhaps a "testing ground" for host Chris Hardwick -- Hardwick could easily be being trained to take over.

Is anyone else worried about a sudden upheaval of comic geniuses in charged of ladling us our pop culture news? Sound off below.

Lives are for Losers

I was laughing hysterically at this youtube clip, so my dad asked me what I was watching. After showing him, he simply responded, "You need to get a life."

And I agree.

But I still freaking love this video.

How to get really depressed

Instructions:

1. Go online.

2. Go to an online store that's slightly above your price level, but the sale section is do-able (try J.Crew, Revolve, Anthropologie, etc.).

3. Look through the sale section. Spy a cute, cheap skirt/shirt/dress.

4. Examine it further. Realize it's the only piece of clothing you ever want. Realize you cannot live without it.

5. Check what sizes it's available in.

6. Cry

7. Briefly wish you were a size large so you could buy it.

8. Get depressed.

Tada!

Whoops

In my sleepy delirium this morning, I saw out of the corner of my eye a Victoria's Secret bag, which has the company's website, victoriassecret.com, on it.

I read it quickly, and saw "Victoria's Secretions."

I'm surprised I haven't seen a joke about this ever before.

You know you're Farmville-crazy when...

... You have a dream about Farmville. A realistic one.

Oh crap.

Smoke Up, Johnny

Today, I understood two allusions to The Breakfast Club on Family Guy because they had previously been alluded to on Psych and Community.

It just goes to show that TV can teach you so much... about movies.

Animal Miracles

So it's a Lazy Sunday and my Tivo is virtually empty. So I see what the always-misguided Tivo suggestions has left me, and it's so random. Some show called Animal Miracles, when I haven't even turned to Animal Planet in years. But it's the best of what I have, so I put it on as background noise.

It has stories of these miraculous animals doing miraculous things. Heartwarming and all, but the show itself, not having video of these occurrences, feels the need to make the victims reenact them. And they are not professional actors or anything (read: they suck). So it comes out pretty over-the-top and stupid.

Anyways, today's show had a dog who located a car crash victim, a cat who was reunited with its owners after 8 years, a dog who saved a baby, and a dog who befriended some prisoners.

The last story is the one that made me pause (or should I say "paws"? HA). It's very sweet and all; the dog gets out one day and, being bored, goes over to the prison to find some playmates. They play with her, so she goes back every day to play with them. The owner calls this the dog's "double life." I say "WTF, she isn't f***ing Hannah Montana" And then the dog's owner talks about Susie the dog's amazing ability to not judge based on those orange jumpsuits:

"I believe that she just sees past that idea of them being criminals and knows that they are very loving toward her and she holds no prejudice."

SHE'S A F***ING DOG. She has no idea that these nice guys who play with her are prisoners or criminals or whatever. Not because she "sees past" it, but because she's a freaking dog. She sees a human with a tennis ball and a nice voice and labels them as "friend." It's not like she's a crusader for criminal acceptance!

That felt good to get out of my system. Now I've got to go. I'm meeting with BB and S to discuss their plans for a rally against universal health care.

Don't Hate Me!

I'm so embarrassed. Don't blame me, readers. It's not like I asked for this to happen. It just... happened. I have no control over it. I'm trying to fix it but it's just not working...

I have Complicated, by Avril Lavigne, stuck in my head.

I even sang it in the shower.

I'm so ashamed.

Please forgive me.

Accomplishment of the day

AOTD:

Correctly naming two actors from a movie for a bonus question on a science quiz.

From a movie I haven't even seen.

Yea, I'm that good.

Hell on Heels

Dear Self,

Remember this story I'm about to tell you. This isn't the first time I've warned you about wearing heels. And yet you don't listen.

So last night night you had a fancy event to go to. You picked out a cute dress, and decided you wanted to wear those new heels you got. You know, those poorly made $18 heels you found at the clearance rack at DSW? The black ones with the laces and cut out in the middle (that looked kinda sorta like this) with a heel higher than you have ever worn before? You said they were so comfy sitting down. You were right. Plus they were cheap. So you ignored their flaws and impracticality and bought them. And you kind of loved them. So you decided to wear them last night.

Big mistake. You hobbled from the car to the party like a drunk Barbie doll, taking small, calculated steps and holding onto everything in sight for support. You arrive at the party, ready to sit down and nibble on whatever vegetarian options they had.

It's a mingling event.

As in, no chairs.

Hooooly crap.

So you walk carefully, knowing that at some point during the night you will do one or more of the following:

a) Trip and fall

b) Trip, grab something/one for support, and have them topple down with you

c) Trip and break your ankle

d) Trip, fall, hit your head and kill yourself.

All for a pair of really cute shoes... So you gather all the courage you have (after all, despite the problems these shoes cause, they make you look tall and pretty awesome), and suck it up. You mingle, you chat, you eat faux-fancy food, and all the while your feet hurt more and more.

So you take to the habit of teetering on the balls of your feet and rotating your feet around in place, trying to a less-tender spot to rest on.

Then something happens. One of your legs kind of bends a little, and you think you know why. Your heel broke. You investigate. It didn't break. But it did bend so that it will probably be permanently bent, at least when you put pressure on it. You're shocked. Upset. You feel betrayed by your fun, spontaneous purchase.

Luckily the party is winding down. You walk even more slowly out of the venue, grabbing at columns and walls for support. You find a table and sit on it uncouthly, tugging at your heels ferociously. They come off. You moan in delight and pain. You look at your feet. They have red imprinted markings on them where the laces were. You leave and walk outside barefoot.

Never has the grass felt so nice on your bare feet.

So, Self, I hope you've listened intently. Just remember this next time you take those heels out for a spin, or find another cheap thrill at DSW. Neither will last...

Sincerely,

Me/you

PS: You need to learn to walk in heels so you don't look like Bambi taking her first steps. Seriously.

Oh boy

It's a lazy saturday at the RN household. I went upstairs to change from pajamas to "lounge wear." Which includes PJ pants. Oops.

So I change and then realize something: my pants, cardigan, and Tshirt are all navy blue. This is weird, albeit understandable because I love navy blue. Still, it's kind of odd. Then I realize something.

I'm wearing my only pair of BLUE underwear.

I don't know what all of this means, but it can't be good. I'm grabbing the cats and getting into my bomb shelter.

Not quite, but still. Freaky.

You know you're crazy...

When you spend:

15 minutes narrowing your header font down to eight choices

30 minutes picking your new font out of the eight

30 minutes customizing said font to fit your needs

0 minutes on college stuff (or anything else you should be doing)

Crazy? Maybe.

Procrastinating? Yes.

PS: Do you like it?